Hello.
It has been 46 days since I left my American hometown, America’s Dairyland: Wisconsin, 41 days since I left the United States of America, 39 days since I got back. Many things have happened during my stay in the United States that I don’t even know where to start or what to say. Too bad I never had the time or opportunity to pen my thoughts down or blog about them.
My six-month stint in the United States has been life-changing. Ever since that final SPM paper which was Chemistry and even more so after I boarded the flight out of Kuala Lumpur, my life has changed 360 degrees and it has never been the same. New bunch of friends. A new country. A new home. A new family. I know they were only temporary but the relationships built were sincere and genuine and hopefully will be forever.
I won’t say that that six-months have shaped me into a better and much positive person because I know I haven’t been very positive and optimistic throughout the program. I came back whining, complaining and bitching ten times more than I used to. The new Matthew is very spoiled, whiny, ignorant, immature, unambitious and irresolute. I’ve lost my competitive spirit and much of my leadership. Sometimes I am disgusted at myself because I know, with conviction, that I used to be not like this and I know I was so much better than who I’ve become today.
Before I embarked onto this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, I had such high hopes and expectations of the United States and what I am gonna do there because I have been wanting this opportunity for the longest time ever and everything that I’ve worked hard for was for this day to come. Those who grew up with me should know this very well. Anyway, when goals and expectations are set up high, there are bound to be failures and disappointments.
While I was in the United States, I found myself disappointed on several occasions and I struggled to see the bright side of it. When I was upset, I ran to the people closest to me and complained. I complained so much that complaining became a habit. In secondary school, I did complain but much less than while I was in the US. I would like to think that, for most of the times in school, I have persevered, in studies, debates, in running different clubs and societies, in being a leader (or at least tried to be the best one that I can be) While I am very grateful to have met very supportive people throughout the program, I think I have relied on them way too much and my friends, in turn, have put up with me far too much that they spoiled me. Apart from that, I think I took my new found freedom for granted.
Returning back and re-adapting back to normality proved to be a challenge for me because what was normal was no longer normal to me and the fact that I am no longer the same person I used to be makes it all even harder. I do not know how to describe it in words but I felt lost. I was facing some sort of personality-crisis. I no longer knew myself because I have changed so much, unconsciously. Furthermore, I felt as though I have lost my sense of direction in life. In an email I sent to Paula, my host mom, I wrote:
I felt the AFS program has blindfolded me and turned me around in circles and once I returned, I am expected to find my way back in life. I no longer knew what I want to do or what to achieve.
Thank God I am currently having a 3-week break from college because this is exactly what I need at the exact right time of my life (I started college on the day following the AFS post-return camp in Shah Alam) I need time to look back at my experience in America and to reconstruct my life, my goals, my dreams, my priorities. Most importantly, I need time to breathe.
Have I been a great ambassador of Malaysia? No. I don’t think I was an accurate mirror of how typical Malaysians are like. For one, I hate rice and I made it a statement while I was there. Haha. If there is anything that I did that showed that I was a worthy participant of AFS and a deserving foreign-exchange scholarship recipient from the U.S. Department of State, is that I worked very hard to impress (sometimes way too hard). But trying too hard was a mistake because I got tired at the end of it and then I stopped trying.
Do I ever regret being on the AFS program? No, absolutely not. I think being a foreign exchange student to the United States was the best thing that ever happened to me. Although I am not the person I wished to become once I returned but I really did gain a lot from this program and I did things I never would have imagined doing. It really pushed me way out of my comfort zone. Also, like what Nambee said at the pre-departure orientation in D.C., we foreign exchange students have connections. I know for sure that if ever I return to the States, I’ll always have a place to go and I’ll always be welcomed back… back home. Darn it! I miss Wisconsin! 
Guess what I found when I skimmed through my older blog posts? This! I highly doubt that 14-year-old Matthew would ever imagine that in three years, he’ll be able to cross 4 states out from that list; to stand in front of the Statue of Liberty, visit the 103rd floor of the Sears Tower, walk on the streets of Boston and have Philly cheesesteak for dinner. Thank you AFS for making my dreams come true. Thank you Bert and Abbey. I am forever grateful to the both of you.
And there is another important group of people I would like to thank: my friends from secondary school. The following is an important extract of my ‘Dear Me’ letter which was required to be written by all the AFS participants prior to our departure:
Matthew, in six months time, I hope that you will change — be a more compassionate person. To be a leader that you always wanted to be. Be humble. And remember your friends that have made your dreams come true.
Yours sincerely, me.
I know I have not been in touch with most of you since I left and even after I got back. Sorry Things just got so different and I was caught up in so many activities. Being in a college far away from you guys makes it so much tougher for me to re-connect.
I need your support guys. I feel so lost and at this point of my life, I really need someone to drag me out of it. Help!
